Change Starts Inside

Imagine for a moment that you’re living your most perfect life. In this utopia, it doesn’t matter how much money you make, what anyone in society thinks about you, or where you are in the world - you get to be your most authentic self, and everyone and everything celebrates that and benefits from it. What are you doing? What does your day look like? Who and what do you surround yourself with? 

As you’re imagining this utopia, how do you feel? Can you feel your body relax? Your jaw unclench? Your heart feel full? Is all of that replaced by an aching sadness because you realize that perfect life is so far outside of the life you’re currently living?

If you’re one of the very few who’s made your dream into your Earthly reality, huge congratulations to you. I applaud you for the self-work, the mindset, and the passion you’ve put into knowing your heart and following it, come what may. If you’re like the majority of people, however, you’re more than likely living a reality that doesn’t always make your heart soar or make your body feel the peace it did during your imagination utopia just a few sentences ago. 

Anyone who's spent time with me talking about life has heard me say that it absolutely baffles me that humans, who evolved and developed as a people meant to live in community, wander through nature, and eat from the land while tending to it, now live in a society of literal and symbolic fences and have to worry about a credit score. What the heck happened? What happened to the world where each member of the community was able to own their strengths, and someone else’s strength was another’s weakness and so, in working together, the community became a whole, with each member contributing their best self for the betterment of all? Instead, now we have a world where people strive to have the same strengths as everyone else and climb on top of each other to prove they’re the strongest of the bunch, creating a society that is constantly competing with each other instead of living in a harmonious, symbiotic community with individuality and many manifestations of self that create a beautiful, cooperative whole.

Why are we like this? Why does it matter if Sally draws better than me, or if Jim can do math faster than I can? Why does it matter if Alex can organize schedules better than me, or if Chris can play piano sitting backward with eyes closed and I can only play chopsticks? Why do we see others who do things “better” than us as competition instead of as a member of our community who we can learn from, work with, and grow from? There are a lot of theories on the “why” of this, and there are likely just as many people who think this isn’t a problem - that competition is healthy. And let’s pause right there, because competition is healthy, as long as it’s actually healthy competition. If I want to draw as well as Sally, then I will dig in, take classes, hone my craft, and watch her work, study her, and hopefully learn from her. Her greatness makes me better. It becomes unhealthy when I despise Sally for being better than me and I wish ill on her, or sabotage her, or manipulate people against her. Sally and I can both be wonderful artists - there is plenty of room for both of us at the easel. So, yes, healthy competition is good. But we are not currently living in a society of healthy competition. We are, instead, living in a society where it’s everyone for themselves, perpetuating a feeling of scarcity and a belief that it’s only the “survival of the fittest.”

Did you know, though, that it wasn’t originally called the “survival of the fittest”? It was actually first worded as the “elimination of the weakest.” A commoner by the name of Herbert Spencer was the one who coined the theory of evolution, but he described it as the “elimination of the weakest,” meaning there was a seat at the table for nearly everyone except those too weak to continue in a certain environment. When Charles Darwin took the reins from Spencer, however, he had to cater to the ruling class who was funding him and didn’t want everyone to have a seat at the table, so the wording was switched to the “survival of the fittest,” and that’s the phrasing that stuck. What impact did that word change have? It means that we’ve created, taught, and perpetuated a “dog-eat-dog” world because of a semantic change to placate the ruling class when, in reality, dogs hunt in packs and communities, and most of them survive to produce another generation of dogs!

All of this was happening at the same time “modern” society was taking off, and “modern” society meant the creation of the patriarchy. Women teachers, priestesses, rulers, and any female in power were pretty much erased from history as the “white man” and his “survival of the fittest” theory began to take over. Let’s not overreact as I point out the difference in patriarchal power and true feminine/masculine autonomy and culture. Patriarchal thought really is an inauthentic side of masculinity, in which the goal is a scarcity mindset that creates competition to keep one type of class in power. On the other hand, true, authentic feminism and masculinity align with the “elimination of the weakest” approach and believe that everyone but those who can’t make it anyway can have a seat at the table, because we’re a community, and individuals thrive when all, or most, of the members thrive.

Because that inclusive worldview didn’t jive with the autocracy/oligarchy/chosen few maintaining power, however, we instead perverted patriarchy, and now we live in a world defined by competition, a fight for resources, and a dog-eat-dog worldview. No wonder almost nobody is living their dream and creating their most authentic life, because the worldview we’ve been conditioned to see as “perfection” is a tiny window that makes only a few happy compared to all the different people, places, cultures, minds, hearts, thoughts, and lifestyles this expansive world has to offer. And don’t tell me you can’t feel it - every generation suffers from more depression, more inability to hold a job, and they feel less able to fit in than those before them. Each year we see more dissent, more discontent, and more mental health crises. Those in charge would like you to think that those people are weak and simply need to shape up. Instead, I ask you to ponder the idea that maybe he who needs to “shape up” is actually an artist who was raised in a family of doctors who demanded a science major, or she who needs to “shape up” is actually a scientist who was forced out of college because her family needed her to take care of her siblings while the rest of them worked. They absolutely could’ve been the “fittest” in their chosen field, but circumstances made it so they couldn’t be. They’re also not the weakest, because they’re still talented and still surviving where they landed, they’re just not thriving and living their full potential. 

So what can we do about this? If you look at the world and the spanning centuries we’ve been under this culture of oppression of expression, the idea of little old us effecting change is overwhelming. If you spend any time digging below the surface, however, you’ll see so many individual people pointing this issue out, and by simply pointing it out and raising awareness of it, we can create a cultural shift. A post about bigger ideas of change and how to fight a system can come later; what I want to do here is point to what we can do as individuals, because if we are more aware of the indoctrination we’ve had, and if we make a conscious effort to meet and learn to love our authentic selves, that power can move mountains and bring individual happiness and authenticity to our lives, and little by little, that’s how change happens.

So, let’s discuss. If you read my first blog post, you read about the previous generations who grew up learning to bury emotions, ignore them, justify them, or put them in a box to be dealt with later, which actually helped this patriarchal, competitive society succeed, get rich, and “flourish.” The problem is, as those at the top flourished, the majority of people learned unhealthy coping mechanisms instead, and they didn’t learn how to handle their emotions or know who they truly were, consequently creating a cycle of shame for thinking differently, which kept the “status quo” in check, but didn’t always allow for individual expression.

Take my life, for example. Like last time, it’s not that I think I’m some great example of anything, because there is no perfect, but I do think I’m a worthy example subject, as I’m a middle class white girl who was raised in a typical, middle class, American family. As discussed previously, having inappropriate emotions or interactions with people in power (or those older than me) justified, brushed off, or simply deemed insignificant by other authority figures created an inauthentic Christine who, on the outside, has it all together, but on the inside is an anxious perfectionist with a binge eating disorder who feels completely unlovable and believes she’s never good enough, never successful enough, and that no one actually likes her unless she’s doing something for them. And that, my friends, is honestly what keeps society, as we know it, in check. If you’re never good enough, you keep working harder to try and be good enough. If you need external validation to feel loved, you bend over backward and sacrifice yourself for others to prove you do, in fact, deserve love. If you’re never successful enough, you won’t rest when you’re tired because you don’t want to be seen as weak, and therefore the consumerism culture continues. Because of this, and because I played into each and every one of these social conditionings, society beams at me and says I’m “the Man:” I have two successful businesses, make ends meet, save money, and live a beautiful, patriarchally successful life. Yet, like you, I’m still searching for my true identity and getting caught in the cross-hairs of inauthenticity along the way. What does this mean? Let’s look at a few examples to make this more clear:

• Some of our first conscious memories are likely of being in school, as we spend a majority of our developing life there. In school, those who do well, study hard, and “play the game of school” get rewarded with good grades and praise while those who don’t are admonished, punished, and unrewarded. I was one of the “good kids.” I quickly learned the better your grades, the more attention you got, and the more attention you got, the better you felt, and then the better you’d feel about yourself. Once I realized that, the 4th grade became the last time I ever got anything lower than an A on a report card, and I graduated at the top of my class in grade school, high school, and college, and anything except success in everything I did wasn’t an option, because you’re only a worthy member of society if you’re successful and at the top. Only the fittest survive, remember.

  
  

• Similarly, I grew up watching those with a thirst for competition and the drive to succeed get the most praise. If you were emotional or needed a break, you were laughed at and considered weak. If you thought differently or didn’t want to grind your life away, people would roll their eyes and call you lazy. If you were too into nature or animals or anything different from the materialistic culture we were raised in, you were just a “silly little girl.” So I grew up internalizing that being a successful female meant you hid what made you feminine (except for being pretty, of course - pretty is always important), and the most successful women presented themselves with masculine qualities in order to succeed in a patriarchal world. Because of that, I became a successful businesswoman who tabled my emotions, pushed through whatever cycle of life or hormones or nature I was experiencing, pretended my autonomy as a woman was that I was grateful to get to play with the masculine, and I tried to be the best, inauthentic “woman-man” I could. And I succeeded.

  
  

• The flipside of that, though, is that although to be successful in business you need to be the best “man” you can be, being a “mother” is still revered. So just like we would get more attention in school and in life for grinding and being the most successful in a one-size-fits-all society, so, too, would a woman be praised for showing her nurturing side to others outside of business. You also get bonus points if you can don your masculine qualities to kick butt all day at work and then put on your best mothering outfit at night to care for your partner, or your children, or your family, or your community, or all of the above. Those who can do it are praised as Superwomen, but those who can’t - well, they simply can’t hang, and this is why women aren’t fit to run the patriarchy, obviously. While not a wife or a human mother, I did get into a very customer-centric field, and anyone who has spent any time in the equestrian industry knows the many number of human personalities equine professionals deal with on a daily basis, and sometimes one person embodies multiple of those personalities depending on how they’re feeling in the moment. I quickly learned that clients expected me to be their partner or to mother them when they needed it, inside and outside of working hours, and if they were happy, I was making money, so that’s what I had to do. I also had to use my masculine qualities to run a shrewd business, organize everything, and make money, but at the same time, I had to use my acceptable feminine qualities to keep clients happy and heard, at the detriment of my own physical and mental health, while also attempting to do the very best I could for the actual horses in my program. My business - it thrived. My clients - if you polled them, I’d bet I had a 90% or higher approval rating. My mental health and happiness - dumpster fire. You simply can’t be everything all the time, but our modern society would say otherwise, which is why so many of us are burnt out, exhausted, and one wrong interaction away from a mental breakdown.

  
  

• This “nurturing feminine” side also continues to haunt me in romantic relationships. As I’ve already shown, even if only subconsciously, growing up in a patriarchal society we learn to reverie the masculine worldview, and as women, we have to embody it but still play the nurturing mother and wife. And because I’ve never (until recently) given myself the grace to look inward and ask what I actually want in a relationship, I find myself attempting to nurture, to help, to see the best in everyone, as women are taught to do, even if it leaves me having to sacrifice who I am to make it work for him. That leaves me vulnerable to the “but they have so much potential” trap, or thinking that “they just need help,” or maybe it’s that “I’m being selfish,” or “I’m expecting too much.” I, therefore, find myself in relationships where my nurturing side is taken advantage of while I’m also expected to continue being the boss-woman I am, and so in every part of my life I’m expected to play all the acceptable roles of male and female and fill in all the gaps where others fall short, and, guys, well… It's exhausting. 

  
  

So what happens if we take this cultural programming and throw it out the window? Clearly that is easier said than done, but just for a minute, let’s go back to your internal, utopian society. Imagine that life you thought up at the opening of this blog. If our school years were spent learning what our strengths were and fostering those in each of us instead of telling us if we fit in or didn’t based on some arbitrary system, what would you be doing today? If instead of having to fit into a patriarchal, competitive society, we could all gravitate toward what makes our soul sing, how many amazing things could we create, find, explore, and understand about this world and about ourselves and our place in it? If feminine independence wasn’t actually a way of re-enslaving women by forcing them to push their femininity aside and embrace the masculinity of independence, would this world be more cooperative instead of competitive? If men were held just as accountable for having to carry a masculine and feminine load in this world as women naturally have to do, would life feel a little more fair, a little more synchronous? 

I absolutely believe the answer to all of these questions is yes, and we create this world by starting with ourselves. I’ve been listening to the Choose Your S.O.U.L Podcast, and one of the hosts, Hakeem, had the most poignant quote about this. He said something like, “if you get caught up developing the character of yourself for others and neglecting the character of yourself for yourself, there’s going to be friction, and there goes your mental health. The friction between who you’re presenting and who you truly are causes confusion, and that confusion creates an inability to see the opportunities that exist for the true you.” In other words, we’ve been programmed since childhood to do what helps us fit in, to pick what makes us successful in the eyes of our peers, and to not question what we do or how we do it, because life is a competition, and we have to eat or risk being eaten. In creating this life, though, we’ve lost our authentic selves and instead produced that External Self we show the world who might be successful, but isn’t happy. 

We can’t change ourselves overnight - believe me, I’ve tried. But we can take one step today, and maybe another half a step next week. For me, that journey started by really looking at what in my past conditioned who I am today, and then I spent a lot of time (and still do) sitting with my authentic self and asking her who she actually wants to be. In the last two years of this journey, I’ve paired down my equestrian business to a manageable amount of clients and barns where I know my authenticity is celebrated instead of drained; I’ve thrown caution to the wind and embraced my psychic nature and marketed my Animal Communications with no apologizes because it truly makes my soul sing, and the rewards from that have been too innumerable to count; I’ve set healthy boundaries with family, friends, and lovers that have helped me feel truly loved and valued for who I am instead of feeling manipulated to make them happy; and I’m currently diving head-first into what mix of feminine and masculine qualities are actually the real me, as the soft, vulnerable, sensitive feminine side of me was buried years ago, but I’ve finally realized I’m not really me without her. 

For each of us the journey will look different, but it’s all on the path to finding our authentic selves. When we see the patterns of a society that shaped us, an upbringing that molded us, and a community that continues to perpetuate a cycle that simply isn’t working anymore, then we can open our eyes and choose ourselves. If you’ve hung with me through this whole post and take nothing else away from this, I hope you leave with new eyes on the way society has shaped the choices you’ve made in this life, and I hope you use that information to make meaningful choices for yourself in the future. We can’t make full-scale change overnight, but we can change one thing at a time in ourselves to usher in authentic, soul-singing happiness, and by doing that, we will kickstart the energy of change. Go on social media and search some of the keywords I brought up today and let the algorithm work for you - you’ll quickly see you’re not alone and there are lots of us out there. It’s time for change, and that change starts inside each of us, so give your authentic self a big hug and take that first step with them.